Thursday, 10 January 2013

What do I do, when you're gone?

These past few days have been very hard; I've barely made it out of bed to brush my teeth. I haven’t eaten, or brushed my hair since Tuesday morning. I feel like I've lost about 5 pounds so that’s a plus right? No it’s not really, because I'm losing the one person in my life that I have ever truly loved, I’d have done anything for him, go anywhere, anything and he’s leaving me.

Since Tuesday night when he left I haven't slept properly, I've been taking sleeping pills to help, I haven't eaten anything apart from a nice biscuit that my mam forced me to eat and I have yet to leave my bed for longer than 10 minutes. I haven't dressed, put make up on or anything. I did have a bath this morning thinking it might make me feel better, but you know what was disappointing? My bath isn't deep enough to cover myself in water and hold my breath for 30 seconds or so until I feel like coming back up. I can't speak to anyone since I start crying almost immediately, I'm just sitting in the dark, alone, hurt. The worst part of all of this is the waiting, its not even officially over yet, but when it is I can't imagine anything worse.

I'm sorry for this post everyone, I know its really depressing but I have no other outlet. I know it sounds like someone has died, well I feel like part of me has but no one has physically died. John thinks it is best if we break up, he's depressed at the minute and everything's getting on top of him and he doesn't think were right anymore. He's really upset about this but I can't even bring myself to leave the my bedroom never mind my house. I daren't check my phone in case it's the message saying I'm coming down with your things I'm sorry. He says he still loves me and its hurting him ending us, so why should it end?

I'm hurting so much right now I can't even describe it, I've tried to think of all the really fantastic things we've done together and that makes it worse. We've been together almost 2 years, and when its over I'm not just losing my boyfriend, I'm losing my best friend, the person I could talk to and tell everything to, the one whos house I could escape to when I needed it, the one who was there with the advice that really helped and could sort everything out with a hug and a smile. People always say you don't know what you had until you lose it, but I knew what I had and sometimes I admit it I was hard on John when I didn't need to be, but all relationships have moments like that right? You're stressed with everything and then one little thing that isn't even significant makes everything worse.

I don't even know what I'll do without him, the thought has plagued me for the past 21 months, what do I do when John finally gets sick of me? I have no else. I'll have no one share my joy with, or my tears, no one to do silly things with and call silly names. No one to spend money or go on holiday with or to the cinema or even just for a wander around the supermarket. No one to cuddle or kiss. No one to text when I'm feeling blue, no one to buy a small surprise for. No one to spend my spare time with or give my love.
I'll be alone.

I really love John and I can honestly say I've never loved anyone like I do John. I love him so much and I started to kid myself that maybe this relationship could be the one, he's the nicest person I've ever met and I know I'll never, ever meet anyone like him again.

So what do I do now? I lie in bed for the next few weeks and decide where to go from there. Also I know how pathetic I sound no one needs to tell me. I just, I guess I have no idea what to do. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry to hear about your break up. I know it's hard and you think that you'll never have something like that again but you have to try be as positive as you can! Think of all the things you can do now that you're single that you couldn't do before, and remember that even though it hurts now, it will get better. :) xxx

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  2. So sorry to hear you're having a shit time Kloe, break ups are never easy. It does sound like it's not necessarily all over though so I hope you guys can work it out (it might be that some time apart us what you need) I do agree with Bekki in that the best thing you can do in these situations is try to think of all the positive things you have in your life and focus on those - friends, plans for the future etc. from experience I know all you'll want to do right now is stay in bed and cry and that's ok - sometimes a week in bed with movies and chocolate helps get you through the toughest bit, i.e the inital break up stage. One of the main things to remember is it will get better, and if it's meant to be then you'll end up together.

    Lynne x

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