Sunday, 12 October 2014

Learning To Adjust Really Isn't That Easy

This is something that's been bugging me recently, people seem to expect you to adjust to situations no bother as if you can go to sleep and wake up the next completely over whatever happened to never think about it again. Please stop thinking that, you can't just adjust over night, it takes time. This is going to be a bit of a personal post so if you come here for my shit jokes, my ridiculous writing style or my fabulous face just scroll on past for those of you interested read after the break.

First of all it's kind of funny when you used to wish for something to happen because you thought it would make your life easier you'd sit and think if only (insert thing here) would happen. But what if it does and it's not what you expected? It's not how you thought it would be and it's no where near as easy. I'll tell you now this post is personal and it's about my mother, I'm not the best person at expressing my feelings in the open in front of people and when I do they just look at me and tell me to get a grip so I'm writing them here instead as it might help me get my head around things a little bit.

As all of you who followed me over the summer will know it was a pretty difficult one for me. Long story short my mam met this guy, at first he was fairly charming you know gave us money bought us pizza but then a few weeks in he was living with us and they were talking marriage and selling the house. Naturally we all told my mam to calm down come on you barely know this guy be serious you know that kind of thing. We then started to hear things about the guy lets just say he has an interesting history, my mam wouldn't have it. This caused problems, he became weird tried to get me to call the police and get my sister arrested one night 'cause we'd had a fight like you do but he wanted me to get her done for it which in my opinion was extremely ridiculous. We watched our mam change who she is, I won't lie to you I don't really know who she is anymore. We all fought for months, then one night while I was working I got a text off my sister she'd been kicked out they'd had a fight my sister may have done something she shouldn't have such as damage some property but she was angry and upset she's like the hulk sometimes she always regrets it after and knows she shouldn't do it. But my mam kicked her out, even though this is something that has gone on for years, she's always had slight problems with her anger yet now it was a massive problem, but then again a lot of things were such as going out with friends and staying out late (I'm 20 come on I'm not gonna be in at 9pm). My mam completely changed how she felt about everything we did and how she felt about her family, she stopped speaking to her friends and my grandparents and my uncle. Once my sister was gone a few weeks later me and her had a fight 'cause I was still seeing my sister (Oh she's living with my gran and she's ok btw I should have included that haha.) so she told me to get out too. All of that happened between June and August. It's now October.

So yeah I've had two months to adjust and get on with my life but it's hard. When I was 14 I used to wish I could leave home and never speak to my mam again (Angsty teenager much?) but now its happened I hate it. I hadn't heard my mam's voice since the end of August until Friday when I had to ring her to ask her about some stuff as she refuses to speak to my dad. See dad's another problem - if I try to talk to my friends or whatever I get a 'yeah but you've got your dad' Yeah I have my dad but he also has two other children much younger than us to take care of he can't take care of all four of us no way, he hasn't got the time or the money. I haven't lived with my dad since I was 2 I've never seen him as that parent that was there permanently if that makes sense, I mean  I absolutely love him to bits and he's an amazing guy but he wasn't there every morning and night for the past 20 years of my life, he wasn't there in person everytime I needed a hug or just someone to talk to it was my mam. Even when I moved out last year it was my mam I rang when I was upset but now she's not there and that's kind of hard. I mean yeah I have my gran and granda but you know sometimes I feel like I kinda need my mam too and I wish my friends would understand that. I wish people would understand that maybe I'm getting upset over tiny little silly things but that's because I'm adjusting and it's taking me time. For example I got upset the other day because I realised my mam won't be buying me an advent calendar this year I'll have to get my own and I know that's something that shouldn't upset me as I'm 20 but it was just weird to realise. Like every time I think of Christmas I just wonder how it's going to be since I'll be staying with my grandparents, will mam drop us a card off? Will she ring? Stuff like that. Then I think what's going to happen when I finish university in May, where will I go? I can't live with my grandparents there's simply no room. I know May is a long way off but I still worry.

It's just the little things, I mean I'm starting to adjust to not hearing from her and stuff but I'd like to know she's ok or if she still cares about us. But then at the same time I don't think I'd ever want to go back and live with her because how would I be able to trust her to not do the same thing again? I guess what I'd really like right now is for my friends to be a little bit more understanding because it seems like every-time I try to talk to them about my problems they have no time for it or their own problem is more important and I don't get a chance to talk.

Kloe. x

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* If you ever want to drop me an email or anything, please do Kloe. I hope you're okay and not bottling up your feelings. It's a shame that people don't understand, but I guess it's hard to understand if you haven't experienced it. xxxxx