To be honest I'm not sure if inadequate is the right term, maybe feeling second best? I don't know basically I've hit a stage where I feel like no matter how hard I am trying no one notices or it gets me nowhere, I feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough, it could be better and it doesn't compare to what someone else has done, even if the only thing they've actually accomplished is getting out of bed. I dunno maybe it's jealousy? Who knows? What I do know is I am sick of feeling this way, I've been trying to sleep for a little while now but I can't stop getting wound up and hurt, because I keep thinking about things and this is why I'm writing this post to get it off my chest and to feel better. As I'm writing it for myself and try to be as positive as a pessimist can be on this blog I'm going to put a read more break so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
This past year has probably been the hardest of my life, I honestly thought by this point 10 months on things would be different, they'd be sorted we'd all be fine and life we be the same as it used to be, just like everyone kept re-assuring me it would. Everything with my mam would be sorted, I'd be back home she'd have split with the guy and things would be back to normal, however things were beginning to look up then suddenly not long after my birthday just after I began to kid myself that I could possibly stop worrying and move back home my sister got a new bed room and my mam got a spare room for a workshop, there was no room for me in that house. I was no longer welcome. That hurt, it hurt a lot, to go from having hope and things seeming to be going well to suddenly being told you're not wanted or welcome is the worst feeling. Then you realise shit I have until the end of June to find a house and a full time job, then it hits you have your dissertation and exams to get through too so you can finish your degree. You begin losing sleep, you start worrying so bad you feel like you can't breath and there's no way around it, you get so worried and worked up that you're a physical mess but not a single person notices. You get so bad that you break down when your dissertation supervisor asks how everything is going, then your course leader suggests you go see a doctor see what they say because it's clearly effecting you a whole lot worse than you thought. So you see a doctor and he explains what's up with you and it starts to make sense but then it hurts because you were such a strong person until 10 months ago and now you're a mess and having panic attacks and break downs and you've really been effected by your own mothers selfish behavior by her rejection and abandonment and it hurts more because you feel like you've let her win.
But that's not what's bothering me today, what's really getting to me is the lack of care from others, you talk to them about things and they just say 'it'll sort itself out' or 'you'll figure it out' no I don't want you to say that I want your help not empty words. I am sick of speaking to people and them saying 'have you actually done that though' 'are you actually trying' like yes I'm fucking trying my hardest here on my own without any bloody help what more can I do?! I've exhausted my options, I've applied for every job going. It constantly makes me feel like I'm just not doing my best I'm not good enough yet I know I'm driving myself crazy trying to fix everything on my own. I talk to people and they just start telling me about themselves and other people I don't care about or know but they can't even listen to what you have to say about your feelings or don't ask how you are. Last week I handed in my biggest piece of work ever, my dissertation yet I was still made to feel like it wasn't an accomplishment like it was nothing and I dunno that kinda hurts I probably sound like a whiney little bitch but I am just done with being made to feel like I'm not good enough and not accomplishing anything. The next time someone does it I'm going to call them out on because it's not fair on me, to allow people to make me feel this way.
I haven't got long now to sort everything out and with exams starting in two weeks I really hope someone realises I am trying my hardest and they do give me a hand or something comes up like people keep saying it will because right now as of July 1st I am homeless and the only source of income I have is a 10 hour job on a weekend. Not really ideal. It sucks that I am alone in sorting this out but hopefully I will come out of it a stronger person, because so far I've learnt that people don't really care and no one wants to help unless their gaining something from it too. Don't get me wrong certain people have been amazing, letting me cry on / to them, giving me reassurance, giving me suggestions actually being helpful even if it's just by listening to me and I know that if they could they would help me more.
Wow, that really does make a difference writing everything out that's bugging me, well not everything or I'd be here forever and I'm kinda sleepy now if I'm honest. Hopefully by getting all of this off my chest I can have some proper good uninterrupted sleep tonight. (fingers crossed ey). Also if you do read this I don't want pity or anything I just, I really needed to write this and you know I can't really say these things to people because they always get offended cause they're like BUT I SPEAK TO YOU or You seemed ok so I didn't see the point in asking and then they get hurt and instead of you getting the help you need you spend the next half hour apologising for offending someone and I wish I could just be like nope I'm not going to make you feel better for being a shitty person but you have to cause you care about them ( and usually they are your family.)