Do you ever have those moments where the reality of a situation hits you and you just end up curling into a ball and crying for about 3 hours because you realise oh shit I have really got to get things sorted and I really haven't got much time and I'd much rather hide in bed and avoid being an adult and facing problems. This is what my life has been for about a week, I'm writing this after spending half of my day in tears, it's like I stop crying and then I spend a few minutes feeling ok and then bam I'm in tears again because I cannot find a solution. I'm writing this here because to be honest writing what's bugging me usually helps and to be honest it'll probably explain why I keep posting sporadically and why no doubt I'll be absent for a while soon unless I actually figure shit out.
Basically I have a week to find a full time job and a place to live or I am completely and utterly fucked, I've been saving like mad the past few months and I still only have enough to pay a flat deposit, however I have nothing rent wise, I have a job that's like 9 hours a week and that really isn't going to help me pay rent if I even find somewhere to live. I've spent every day since April applying to jobs, I've had the odd interview but nothing has come of it, I've exhausted every option I have, I've still yet to find a job that will give me a sufficient income to live alone. I've tried to find people to live with, I've looked into all my options, there were a few moments where it was kinda like oh I have somewhere but then it always turned into a no sorry not anymore.
I am so close to reaching breaking point and I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do, I feel like it wouldn't hurt so bad or be so sucky if I had made this decision for myself but the fact that I didn't ask for this and I had no say in it and the fact it is all down to my mother being selfish makes it a whole lot worse. Like it just really gets me that this is a situation that I didn't get myself into, yet there is no help out there yet if I became dependent on drugs which would be of my own accord I would be given a place to live and help from the government yet because I don't have a full time job and have been kicked out of my family home and don't have any dependencies I am not classed as a priority.
Honestly when the fall out first happened in August everyone kept telling me that come Christmas she'd have seen sense everything would be ok, come Christmas nothing had changed, yet people still said oh the end of June is ages away by then everything will be ok, March rolled around and things looked up. April however made it very obvious that I was completely alone in this and I had no where to go and that I really had to find a job and a place to live. The stress of doing this has no doubt ridiculously impacted my results of this year at uni, I know throughout my exams and my dissertation I was distracted because I was worried about what I was going to do after uni. This was made worse with my friends growing excitement about moving back home to their families or starting new lives with their other halves.
I have lost so much sleep over it, to be honest thinking about it some days makes me feel so sick I can only manage some cereal all day. It has made me a complete mess and I know that this next week is going to be absolutely ridiculous, I know I'm not going to be able to sleep and I know I'm going spend the majority of the time trying not to break down because I haven't found a job or somewhere to live. The reality of it is I am completely and 100% fucked and I have no idea what I'm going to do and I'm guess I'm writing this to sort of get it off my chest and to give you guys and explanation as to why my blogs all over the place, why my twitter is such a mess and why I will probably drop off the face of the blogging world in a week or so if things don't look up. I've tried being optimistic but it's just made being let down a lot worse.
The reality of this whole situation is I am on my own and I've got to accept that and just try my best to solve it, I can't spend anymore time crying, because crying solves nothing. This is probably the most personal post I've ever written, and I'm not even sure why I'm actually publishing it, maybe some super nice company will see it and offer me a free house or give me a job? (obviously not gonna happen but I can dream.)