Thinking back to October last year I'm a completely different person, this time last year I was a complete mess with family relationships going to shit and I was struggling to figure out where the hell to start with my dissertation, I was constantly comparing myself to others and letting them tell me what I should do and letting a LOT of people walk all over me. To be fair the majority of these things continued throughout my final year at uni, but reflecting on all that I realised how much I've grown especially these past few weeks.
Finishing university in May was a little daunting, how was I going to afford to live alone, how would I cope without those who I had become ridiculous close to. Of course I found a flat in July and moved in, at that point I felt like everything would immediately fall into place, I'd get a full time job and I'd be great. However until a few weeks ago I was beginning to give up hope and felt like I'd be working at empire and struggling ridiculous amounts every month forever. I had rejection after rejection from jobs and it hurt, especially when I compared myself to others I know who had gained jobs but had lied to get them or just had contacts, I felt like it wasn't fair and I really started to beat myself up over it. I'd worked ridiculously hard all year at uni, I'd achieved a 2:1 whilst struggling with bad mental health and family problems, it hurt that no one wanted to hire me, not even retail positions. I couldn't understand where I was going wrong especially when I received really good feedback every time. My Mam and Gran have always said Everything Happens For A Reason, and to be honest I've always thought that was a load of shit, then I got this interview and ended up with a job that had better opportunities than the ones I'd been rejected from and a wage that was 293823x better. The lesson I've learnt from this is that I really shouldn't compare my own worth to others and be proud of myself because I'm actually doing really well.
These past few weeks, since I got the interview I've had a bit of a different outlook on my life. I'm not sure if it's because I've spent the last 3 weeks with my best friends or if it was getting that interview. I've stopped caring so much about how others are doing in comparison to me, why should I care all they've ever done is treat me like shit, so I should just ignore how they're doing and focus on me. Drunk conversations with Brandon made me realise this more than anything, oh how I love sitting in the smoking area with Brandon having heart to hearts. He really made me realise how much effort I am putting into keeping other people happy when really my focus should be on making myself happy, I shouldn't be bothered if rejecting an invite out or calling someone out for being a dick upsets them. I don't owe other people anything, it sounds selfish but I really don't, the people who get arsey or upset by me putting myself first really aren't worth it and if they don't like it I can live without them. I shouldn't be putting effort into relationships where I'm getting nothing in return but upset, it's easier to ignore and not make effort with these type of people, if they want to be in my life they'll start putting effort in too.
I did have a proper point for this post but really it's become a bit rambly. What I'm trying to get across is that I've really learnt a lot about myself recently, I really don't need people as much as I thought I did, I can get by on my own, it is a struggle and I have had to ask for help but I can do it on my own. Since I stopped comparing myself to others I felt so much more comfortable with myself, a whole lot happier too. Overall I've realised how proud of myself I am, I don't care how that sounds but I really am. This past year has been one struggle after another yet here I am graduating in 7 weeks with a 2:1, I'm starting a full time job in the science industry tomorrow and I have my own flat that I don't have to share with anyone else. For 21 years old I feel like I'm doing well, and I really cannot believe it. Tonight I am feeling fairly ill but I am happy because tomorrow is the start of my future and that both excites me and scares me. However I do know that no matter what I've got the best little group of friends I could ask for and they'll be there no matter what, coming back up North Thursday kinda upset me cause I knew I wouldn't be seeing them all again until Halloween. I am so grateful for their constant support and reassurance and for the drunk chats they've let me have these past few weeks that have really opened my eyes to a lot of things in my life. I really hope I can stick to being positive and focusing on my happiness.
So I apologise for being a bit rambly, this is pretty much like mind vomit, all the words I kinda want to say and get out are now out and I feel good. I'm proud of myself and writing my reflections down is going to be a good way to remind myself if I feel down or go back to comparing myself to others.
I promise normal posting will resume soon and I won't be as rambly or personal.