I've been a little bit quiet on here and other forms of social media recently. This hasn't really been intentional but recently I've had zero motivation to do anything that isn't laying on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy or sleeping. I've opened drafts and tried to write new posts but I just sit and stare, I've tried reading and the words don't go in, I've tried playing games everything nothing has made me interested. I've been in the most ridiculous slump, like seriously unable to think of anything that's good in my life it feels like everything is shitty.
I kind of know what triggered me feeling like this and it sounds so ridiculous and stupid but to me it's a huge thing. I failed my driving test a few weeks ago and I've just been feeling so stupid and like a massive failure since. It's made me feel as if I'll never achieve anything if I can't even pass a driving test. Almost everyone I know can drive or has a car, so many people younger than me can do it, to be fair I can drive I'm fine until I sit a test and then I panic and I can't breathe properly and I feel like I'm going to throw up and I sweat like the there is no tomorrow it's ridiculous then I fail. Like I just can't even deal with failing it again like what happens then? I can't even describe how it makes me feel, it's properly put a mental block on me and I just feel like my life is going no where and like it won't until I pass which probably sounds ridiculous. But honestly I just spend so much of my time now wondering if I'll ever get a masters or a PhD, if I'll ever own a house, if I'll ever find someone who actually wants to a relationship with me, if I'll ever get married etc. Even to me it sounds irrational that failing a test has had this kind of effect where I feel like I'll never achieve anything I want to in life 'cause I can't pass something everyone calls so simple.
I probably sound like a crazy person right now but it's how I feel and I hate it. The past few days though people have tried to make me feel better by pointing out how much I've accomplished the past few years and failing a driving test isn't important. I guess I do have a few big and little victories and things to be proud of I mean here's a little list some will sound stupid but to me they're big things.
- I passed university with a 2:1 even though I spent most of my 3rd year an anxious depressed mess and spent the 2 moths before I finished/sat my exams pretty much on the verge of a breakdown every day.
- I have a full time job in a laboratory
- I can afford to live alone, I might not want to and most of the time I wish I could go back to living at my mams or even move in with my gran but neither can happen so I live alone and for that I should be grateful and proud that I can do it when so many people can't.
- I tried Octopus and liked it. HUGE deal because I'm a mega fussy eater.
I mean it's nothing amazing but I guess they're things to be proud of and to prove I can do anything and hopefully writing them down and reading them other will help bring me out of my slump. I'm not even sure why I've written this post or what the purpose of it is but putting how I feel into words always helps and that's what my blog is for more than anything. I'm really hoping I can get back into blogging soon since I have inspiration just no motivation plus next week I go to Disneyland and I'd love to be able to write about that 'cause I know I'll have hundreds of photos to share haha.
Anyway that was a bit random and rambley I'm sorry. From now I'll hopefully be blogging regularly and about happy topics haha.